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Dear Amanda,

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Many apperceive us as the brace devastated by colon cancer. They apperceive how you suffered for two years afore death. They apperceive the affliction and blank in my activity now.

While we were a adolescent brace afflicted by blight added contest had bigger authentic us. There was our alliance afore ancestors and accompany at your parents’ white abbey in Vermont. We visited and affiliated with accompany consistently throughout the Northeast and across while authoritative new accompany calm in the Washington, DC-metro area. And, there’s the joy we aggregate from our babe Eleanor’s bearing in 2013. We had a adored alliance durably abiding in God’s love.

Even with a blight diagnosis, you courageously managed a active analysis plan and a full-time job; and you lived activity absolutely at home adopting our babe and travelling elsewhere. Six months afore you died, you appear on a adventure in the Great Buck Rainforest for the Attributes Conservancy’s magazine. You interviewed dozens and wrote acute book for what was your final annual piece. Consistently one to bound accomplish access and friendships with those you meet, you gave your new boots to a teen-aged babe there who bare them added than you.

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In August, you took Eleanor to appointment your parents and grandmother in Vermont. You aggregate with her the joys of your adolescence home — midday walks to aggregate today’s mail at the Post Office, ad-lib amateur to comedy in the yard, and absorb lots of maple cremees. In September, we visited my parents in Buffalo and able for a adventurous night abroad at a abode and dined on French cuisine.

When we alternate home from Buffalo, you began a new chemotherapy regimen. The after-effects were promising, but your anatomy had already started to shut down. Your joints ached consistently and no best would acquiesce you beddy-bye comfortably. No amount what you ate you could not get abundant nutrition. Weeks later, you were hospitalized. Your alarmist began to fail. The doctors told us no added treatments were available, but you had already had enough. You said you were attractive advanced to heaven. I said it was OK for you to go; you didn’t accept to action to break for me.

Palliative affliction and auberge abiding for you to absorb a aftermost Christmas at our home. Three weeks afterwards and you were dead.

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But afore you died, I told Eleanor the truth. Like anybody who admired or knew you, she did not appetite you to die. Canicule afterwards your death, Eleanor anticipation the abode was too quiet and adapted we get a baby. Then she said we should get a new mommy because she absolutely admired mommies. How would I acquisition a new mommy, I asked. Well, I could go with you, she said. I told her that you were special. You can’t be replaced.

I generally anticipate about the words you wrote or said afore you died. In particular, you said to your adolescence best acquaintance that as a mother you hoped you had absolute in Eleanor life’s important lessons — about God, how to adulation and be kind, accept an absorption in attributes and books, and alive with a accepted concern for the world. You additionally said:

Months afterwards I still anticipate you’re wrong — I do charge you. But the adulation from ancestors and accompany makes your absence easier to bear.

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Our accompany from abbey planned Eleanor’s affair to bless her fourth altogether with a block in the appearance of Daniel Tiger. As her accompany sang ‘Happy Birthday’ I stood by her ancillary and she captivated my hand. I absurd you stood at her larboard captivation her added hand.

Eleanor has now outgrown her admeasurement 4 clothes you bought for her. She’s annual afterimage words and aural out alien words — mastering the Bob’s books alternation your accessory Deb gave her. We still go to the library. I enrolled her in ballet classes on Saturdays and bought her the adapted attire. The added day she afraid in the backseat afterwards acquainted a run in a brace of her tights (I didn’t apperceive what to say except that we’ll fix it together). On Sundays, she now bravely walks to kid’s abbey all by herself. She’s absolutely the little lady.

Though I do anguish about Eleanor award joy in activity as you were the antecedent of so abundant of it. I don’t apprehension her afflicted except through absence of sounds that already echoed in our home afore you died. I can accomplish Eleanor beam but I’m clumsy to accomplish her acquiescently cackle like you consistently could.

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As for me, I’m accepting acclimated to actuality afterwards you. I accomplish decisions by myself. I’ve been active the dogwalker’s agenda and our Amazon Prime account. Removing your name from a alliance and activity we were architecture calm has been a struggle. We had aggregate coffer accounts and bought our house. Legally, you are no best allotment of such things. I don’t abrasion my bells ring — it’s in a box aing to yours.

Although I apperceive you are in heaven afterwards affliction and fear, I selfishly ambition you were actuality with me. Some nights I ability over to your ancillary of the bed and achievement I’ll feel you aing to me. As I run my duke forth the mattress, there’s the bash area your larboard hip should be but instead the amplitude is empty.

It’s now about six months afterwards your death. It’s our bells anniversary. In our vows eight years ago, we promised to adulation ceremony other. We promised to abundance and account in affection and health. We promised to be faithful. These promises came with the admonition that such a agreement abide ceaseless until death. I accept kept my vows.

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Wishing you a blessed ceremony today still seems adapted as I attending advanced to canonizing us and how we’d lived since. I’m aperture one of our admired bottles of Burgundy, cloudburst a glass, inhaling its smell, and demography baby sips as I anticipate of you. As I am alone, there will be no adapted dinners or allowance exchanges.

I’m canonizing one of our aftermost sunsets calm while you were in auberge and the facility’s volunteers serenaded us with “It Is Well With My Soul.” And, I’ll ambition we could accept adapted our vows this year with words you said to me aloof canicule afore you died: You are what I consistently wanted.

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